Weigh in 2:22

Back in the saddle again.  I did not drop as much as I wanted, but I am definitely back on track.  I have six more Fridays until my sister's wedding (which in and of itself is baffling to me) and at this kind of a pace I should hit my goal of 270 or below by the day. It is nice to have a more immediate goal towards which I can work.  I had been missing the milestones that I had earlier in the process.  Now that I have a few goals to look forward to I think I can make some more consistent progress.  Here are the numbers:

Current Weight: 283 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: 2.2 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 2.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 157.2 lbs

Weigh in 2:21

I'm back!  Today is my first day back on the wagon after a bit of a vacation.  I think the time away did me good, although it did set me back a bit.  To be expected.  Here are the numbers:

Current Weight: 285.2 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -3.6 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 0 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 155 lbs

It seems only fitting that my reset vacation also reset me for the year.  The ledger is even.  Let's see what kind of progress I can make.

Week 2:20

I consciously took this week off.  I wasn't planning on it until about Sunday, and I value the accountability of weekly weigh ins, but I am burned out and need a week to gather myself.  I feel I am doing this for the right reasons.  I'll be back next week.

Weigh in 2:19

Results were not great this week, but between illness and working through the malaise I have been in I will take anything less than skyrocketing numbers.  Thanks to those of you who posted a bit of support or encouragement and those who offered it in person.  I work very hard sometimes to solve everything myself when putting it out in the world and getting a hand makes it so much easier.  Of course, those who know me are not surprised I did something the hard way.  One variable in the equation of my "case of the twenty-somethings", as Amy aptly put it in last weeks comments, has been solved.  I booked a gig!  Even better, it is one I have been targeting for a few months.  I had wanted to move away from musicals for a bit because I have felt my acting get a bit "hammy", but a well regarded company in town, Circle Theatre, is doing Urinetown, one of my all time favorites and a show I fit into quite well.  I targeted it a few months back and got the role I was gunning for.  Rehearsals don't start for another month+, but it is nice to have a real professionally fulfilling gig to look forward to.  I am working on reorganizing my priorities and devoting my energies in a more healthy way, so I hope to have a nice bounce back in the coming weeks.  Here are the numbers for the past week:

Current Weight: 281.6 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -.6 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 3.6 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 158.6 lbs

Weigh in 2:18

There used to be a lot of joy in this process, but lately that has not been the case.  When I committed to this journey I knew rationally that the only things that would change would be my weight and my appearance.  Neither of these is insignificant, but losing weight and getting healthier are not some magic bullet that will get me all of my hopes and dreams in life.  I don't know where along the way this happened, but I must have at some point invested this journey with much more responsibility than it ever had any right to carry, because I am incredibly unsatisfied.  I take no pleasure in the sheer fact that I am thinner.  I refuse to judge myself by my weight. Don't get me wrong, I have an objective sense of accomplishment over how far I have come, but some of my friends talk about how proud they are or how proud I should be and that is simply not how I feel.  I understand that impulse, but for me it is like I got the right answer on a test.  It is what I should do.  How much pride is there to take in substituting stupid self-destructive behavior with what I should have been doing in the first place.

So I am in a funk.  I have been trying to rationalize myself out of it for four months and it is just not happening.  Part if it is that I haven't had a show for a while and my job, though more interesting than my old day job, is fairly unfulfilling.  I have felt at times that my whole life has revolved around this journey, and knowing the level of energy it takes to make the kind of progress I have it is understandable, but I hate it.  I hate feeling obsessed by my weight, like every choice I make revolves around Friday morning weigh ins.  I have retaliated by having weeks like this one.  I just didn't feel like it this week.  It is not something I am particularly proud of, but I need to own it.  I am terrified of being the kind of person that bases all of my self-worth on the number I see on the scale, so to prove I don't think that way I don't make any progress.  Because that's rational.  Here are the numbers:

Current Weight: 281 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -1 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 4.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 159.2 lbs

This whole post is not some fishing trip for sympathy or comments.  It helps to put some of it down so I can process.  Sorry for the pity party, but hopefully I can work through what I am feeling a bit better this way.  I want to be happy and not satisfied, and not because I am thinner, but because I am respecting myself more.  I just have to figure out how to accept that for what it is and not judge it.

Weigh in 2:17

Meh.  The results are lackluster this week, but the journey through the week felt pretty good.  I certainly wasn't perfect, but I kept fairly good track of my intake and got in 4 workouts this week.  I have done a lot of speculating in the last weeks when my weight loss has been stalled that has attributed my lack of movement to something that makes me look good, like gaining muscle.  It has been a convenient excuse, but this week I actually think that might be true.  My clothes are fitting a bit more loosely and for the first time in a while my reflection in the mirror looks a bit more svelte.  If I am in fact making that kind of progress then it was a good week, but as I said I was less than perfect.  I know where my mistakes were for the most part, but the victories I can build on for the coming week were:

-Cooked more than I have in a while.  Good, cheap meals at a reasonable nutritional level were the key to my quick progress in the 1st 10 months and regardless of the time I have lost to my new job I need to get back to that.
-4 workouts.  The elliptical broke again, so this week might be difficult for really good cardio, but I can still do something, and something is better than nothing.  I am also pondering getting a bike to enjoy the summer with.  Suggestions from friends who bike would be appreciated.
-Smarter snacking.  I wasn't great this week, but I was better, and I need to keep that progress going.  Bad snacks and my sweet tooth are still my biggest hurdles nutritionally.
-Less coffee.  I know I have been retaining water, and the caffeine hasn't helped.  Coffee is also a carrier for sugar and milk, which are alright in moderation, but I have been less than moderate.  I am cutting back a bit.

Here are the numbers:

Current Weight: 280 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -0.2 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 5.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 160.2 lbs

Mid Week Update

Well, I haven't been perfect, but i feel a decent week coming on.  I may not lose much, but I have already gotten 3 really solid workouts in, and I can see real differences in the mirror.  I have been lifting a bit to try to build muscle mass to raise my resting metabolism, and then getting in the aerobics.  Another cold snap has forced me back indoors, but that has gotten me to know the elliptical a lot better.  Until recently the machine had been broken, but my last three workouts have been able to incorporate it and that is a very good thing.  I imagine the elliptical was designed by an East Texas mother.  I say that because it is very gentle while kicking my ass.  I can almost hear it asking, "How's your mom n'them?" while menacing me with a wooden spoon.  The low impact nature allows me to workout at a much higher level for longer, and today's session was the longest yet.  I spent 40 minutes at what I would call a fairly vigorous pace, especially considering I was using one of the built in programs that adds resistance to the pedals at varying intervals.  According to the elliptical and my calorie counting app that is good for 800 calories.  My sweat agrees, but my head doesn't.  Whatever.  Honestly it was a good workout and is another step in the right direction.

It being my day off I was also able to get in a little kitchen time to prep for the week.  I had been using a new Thai Basil Chicken recipe taken from America's Test Kitchen on PBS.  I adapted the recipe, mixed it with a little brown rice, and used it to stuff a nice large green pepper.  This is honestly one of my best yet.

The red is a little bit of sriracha hot chili sauce as a garnish.  I am pleased to say I have three more servings left.  Oh, and the whole meal is less than 400 calories (it's on a salad plate, so it is not as big as it looks, but that is part of the trick).  That'll do.