If I Am Thinking About It

If I am thinking about the blog I am going to post.  I need to get back in the habit.  My success can be tracked exactly by how frequently I post.  When I was on top of it and posting at least weekly I was losing weight.  When I stopped posting I stopped losing.  I wish there was a Weight Watchers widget for blogger so I could easily post my points on a daily basis.  I went over today, but I treated myself to some middle eastern food and while I may have overeaten a little bit it was all pretty healthy stuff:  Shawarma, Hummus, pita, veggies.  I also had not used any of my weekly points yet, and still have 40 or so left.

For those of you not familiar with Weight Watcher Points Plus system it is a way of tracking your intake.  The program allocates a certain number of points that you can (and should) use daily.  For me that is 71.  I figure each point is worth roughly 40 calories, so 2800 calories a day, which seems about right.  Those points are only usable on that day.  You also get a bank for the week that you can use at any time.  I get 49 additional points a week to use for parties, cheat days, if I want a drink or desert every once in a while.  I have been staying pretty much on track with the points, but haven't had much success yet.  I lost 5 pounds over the first two weeks and I have gained a pound or so over the last 2 weeks.  I think this is due to a combination of slightly underestimating how much I am eating, which is difficult no matter what system you use, particularly if you freehand cook like I do, and Weight Watchers possibly allocating too many points for the week.  I am going to stick as closely to the plan as I can this week and try to leave about 20 points on the board.  If I do not see better results I will take points away from my daily balance.  We shall see how things go.

Walking A Maze Blindfolded

That is what doing this all over again has felt like.  It is all the more frustrating because I have done this maze before, so it feels like doing it again should be even easier.  Since visiting my folks for my birthday I have made some very positive changes.  I am eating out a lot less, I have cut most of the sugar out of my diet, and I am making better choices on a meal to meal basis.  I am just not seeing the results.

I have stopped gaining weight, which is a step in the right direction I suppose. I also can't help but feel that once I break that barrier and start losing I am set up for success.  My parents are doing Weight Watchers, and I joined them to give myself fewer excuses to keep good track of my intake.  Calories in/ Calories out is not good enough anymore, and weight watchers takes into account some of the other things I need to keep in mind.

My big goal is to lose 50 pounds by the time I go back to Houston for my theater teacher's 20 year celebration.  I had set 390 by March 1st as my first goal, but that looks like it is not going to happen.  375 by April 1 is the next goal, and I feel it is achievable if I focus on a few things.  1: keep up the good work with my diet. 2: get more physical activity.  Not having something to do everyday makes staying sedentary all too easy, especially with the awful weather here in Chicago. 3: Focus on sodium.  My blood pressure is too high, and flushing out that crap should help take other bad things with it.

The Show That Never Ends

Trying to avoid messing up is the easiest way to do it.  This is a lesson I learned this summer with regards to my acting, but six months after my classes it is hitting me to apply this to my life.  A sports truism is that you play to win, not to not lose.  The past year I have been playing not to lose.  I have not respected myself and this journey and I've paid the price with a huge setback.  I am not all the way back to where I was, but I have gained back over 100 pounds.  What I forgot is that this is not a game.  It doesn't end, so I can't lose.  But I haven't even been participating.

Trying to avoid admitting this has made it far to easy not to get back to doing the things that made me successful in the first place.  In some perverse way making the change was owning the mistake, and I was avoiding it.  But this morning I got back on the scale, ate a salad, and so far today has been a step in the right direction.  I frequently allow myself to be a victim of inertia, and the stress of my former job and the boredom of not working have taken their toll.  I let myself grind to a halt.  I feel a bit stupid, because as much as I want to believe it is hard it really isn't.  As long as I set myself up to be successful I have a much better chance to be.  It is about playing to win.

I took a year off, essentially, but I am allowing myself to be held accountable.  It is the only way I can get back on the stick.  This morning I was 404 pounds.  I told myself before I would never have that 4 in front again.  I plan to make this the last week it does.

Making Strides

The past couple weeks have been a mental struggle.  I want to get back to the mindset that earned me so much success, but I have found it difficult.   A huge step in the right direction happened this weekend.  I left my job and I will not go back.  Between the stress and inconsistent scheduling I could not live a healthy life there.  I hate feeling like a quitter, but I feel so strongly about this.  I cut out a lot of sweets and snacks this week, and today I did a good amount of cooking and prep work that should get me kick started.  I am back over 350, which is not where I want to be.  I don't stand to gain much by worrying over my mistakes, though.  Today was a good day, and when I string good days together I will see results.

Starting Again

Frustration.  Shame.  Anger.   These are my feelings right now.  I have backtracked so far, and I am having so much trouble recommitting to the things that I KNOW work for me.  Will power has been a real struggle.  Lately I have taken the time to assess where these feelings and issues are coming from.  I came up with a few answers, and I am taking action on them.  The first issue was a series of personal disappointments that I admit made me feel like I wasn't worth the effort.  Not consciously, of course, but somewhere down there.  That is a constant struggle, but owning it will absolutely help.  The other big issue is my job.  There are parts of this job I love, but it is just not a healthy environment.  Stress is incredibly high, and stress is my number one trigger for poor eating.  The job also demands so much of my energy and thought that I haven't been able to give enough thought to my meals and health.  That needs to end.  This summer I am taking a leave from work to participate in a program that should help me down my path as an actor.  This program is a big deal to me, and it will demand a lot from me, but I never feel like I am working with theater, and I know with the structure of the program I will be able to commit to better choices for myself.  It has taken me months to feel ok with this line of reasoning.  Part of me still feels as if I am using my job as a crutch or excuse.  It doesn't matter.  THis feels like the right change for me and I am doing it.  I hope that I can recommit to this blog too.  It helped me so much over the past few years, and I need to get back to that.  Day 1 is today.

Weigh In 3:2

Better late than never.  I weighed myself Friday, but with several auditions and work I have not had much time to post until now.  Not a good week, but I did a lot of celebrating.  Superbowl, laser tag party, and rehearsals were some big hurdles this week, and honestly I didn't even try to lead them.  

Current Weight: 326.8

Starting Weight: 440.2

Weight Loss This Week: -2.2

Total Weight Loss: 113.4

Weigh In 3:1

My awareness has been heightened this week.  I don't think I have made the best choices, and I need to rekick some bad habits, but I made better choices and gave more thought to my work this week.  Here are the numbers

Current Weight: 324.6

Starting Weight: 440.2

Total Weight Loss: 115.6

I have backtracked more than I wanted to admit, but owning that is the first step to doing something about it.  Life gives me enough setbacks without making things harder on myself.  A good example came today.  It is my off day, and a bit too chilly for a long walk outside (or so I thought) so I headed for my building's fitness room.  Both treadmills and the elliptical machine had been broken by one or more of my lovely neighbors.  When I retrieved the jump rope I bought as a back up I dropped it about 5 minutes in and both handles shattered.  Things like this are bound to happen, which reminds me that I have to be as on the ball as I can so that the unexpected does not do more damage than it would otherwise.  As I scrounge for the warmest workout wear I can find to at least get in a bit of a walk I think I will be able to take that lesson to heart