Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Starting Again

Frustration.  Shame.  Anger.   These are my feelings right now.  I have backtracked so far, and I am having so much trouble recommitting to the things that I KNOW work for me.  Will power has been a real struggle.  Lately I have taken the time to assess where these feelings and issues are coming from.  I came up with a few answers, and I am taking action on them.  The first issue was a series of personal disappointments that I admit made me feel like I wasn't worth the effort.  Not consciously, of course, but somewhere down there.  That is a constant struggle, but owning it will absolutely help.  The other big issue is my job.  There are parts of this job I love, but it is just not a healthy environment.  Stress is incredibly high, and stress is my number one trigger for poor eating.  The job also demands so much of my energy and thought that I haven't been able to give enough thought to my meals and health.  That needs to end.  This summer I am taking a leave from work to participate in a program that should help me down my path as an actor.  This program is a big deal to me, and it will demand a lot from me, but I never feel like I am working with theater, and I know with the structure of the program I will be able to commit to better choices for myself.  It has taken me months to feel ok with this line of reasoning.  Part of me still feels as if I am using my job as a crutch or excuse.  It doesn't matter.  THis feels like the right change for me and I am doing it.  I hope that I can recommit to this blog too.  It helped me so much over the past few years, and I need to get back to that.  Day 1 is today.