Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Frustration. Shame. Anger. These are my feelings right now. I have backtracked so far, and I am having so much trouble recommitting to the things that I KNOW work for me. Will power has been a real struggle. Lately I have taken the time to assess where these feelings and issues are coming from. I came up with a few answers, and I am taking action on them. The first issue was a series of personal disappointments that I admit made me feel like I wasn't worth the effort. Not consciously, of course, but somewhere down there. That is a constant struggle, but owning it will absolutely help. The other big issue is my job. There are parts of this job I love, but it is just not a healthy environment. Stress is incredibly high, and stress is my number one trigger for poor eating. The job also demands so much of my energy and thought that I haven't been able to give enough thought to my meals and health. That needs to end. This summer I am taking a leave from work to participate in a program that should help me down my path as an actor. This program is a big deal to me, and it will demand a lot from me, but I never feel like I am working with theater, and I know with the structure of the program I will be able to commit to better choices for myself. It has taken me months to feel ok with this line of reasoning. Part of me still feels as if I am using my job as a crutch or excuse. It doesn't matter. THis feels like the right change for me and I am doing it. I hope that I can recommit to this blog too. It helped me so much over the past few years, and I need to get back to that. Day 1 is today.