Starting Again

Frustration.  Shame.  Anger.   These are my feelings right now.  I have backtracked so far, and I am having so much trouble recommitting to the things that I KNOW work for me.  Will power has been a real struggle.  Lately I have taken the time to assess where these feelings and issues are coming from.  I came up with a few answers, and I am taking action on them.  The first issue was a series of personal disappointments that I admit made me feel like I wasn't worth the effort.  Not consciously, of course, but somewhere down there.  That is a constant struggle, but owning it will absolutely help.  The other big issue is my job.  There are parts of this job I love, but it is just not a healthy environment.  Stress is incredibly high, and stress is my number one trigger for poor eating.  The job also demands so much of my energy and thought that I haven't been able to give enough thought to my meals and health.  That needs to end.  This summer I am taking a leave from work to participate in a program that should help me down my path as an actor.  This program is a big deal to me, and it will demand a lot from me, but I never feel like I am working with theater, and I know with the structure of the program I will be able to commit to better choices for myself.  It has taken me months to feel ok with this line of reasoning.  Part of me still feels as if I am using my job as a crutch or excuse.  It doesn't matter.  THis feels like the right change for me and I am doing it.  I hope that I can recommit to this blog too.  It helped me so much over the past few years, and I need to get back to that.  Day 1 is today.

Weigh In 3:2

Better late than never.  I weighed myself Friday, but with several auditions and work I have not had much time to post until now.  Not a good week, but I did a lot of celebrating.  Superbowl, laser tag party, and rehearsals were some big hurdles this week, and honestly I didn't even try to lead them.  

Current Weight: 326.8

Starting Weight: 440.2

Weight Loss This Week: -2.2

Total Weight Loss: 113.4

Weigh In 3:1

My awareness has been heightened this week.  I don't think I have made the best choices, and I need to rekick some bad habits, but I made better choices and gave more thought to my work this week.  Here are the numbers

Current Weight: 324.6

Starting Weight: 440.2

Total Weight Loss: 115.6

I have backtracked more than I wanted to admit, but owning that is the first step to doing something about it.  Life gives me enough setbacks without making things harder on myself.  A good example came today.  It is my off day, and a bit too chilly for a long walk outside (or so I thought) so I headed for my building's fitness room.  Both treadmills and the elliptical machine had been broken by one or more of my lovely neighbors.  When I retrieved the jump rope I bought as a back up I dropped it about 5 minutes in and both handles shattered.  Things like this are bound to happen, which reminds me that I have to be as on the ball as I can so that the unexpected does not do more damage than it would otherwise.  As I scrounge for the warmest workout wear I can find to at least get in a bit of a walk I think I will be able to take that lesson to heart

We Attack At Dawn (Redux)

Two years ago today I wrote my second ever blog entry here.  I was laying the groundwork for what would be the largest undertaking I so far faced in my life.  I started with a thank you.  The support was overwhelming and immediate, and has continued, so let me reiterate that thank you to all of those who have followed, encouraged, and cajoled me through this journey.  It is not over, and that is why I want to recapture the enthusiasm of those first few months.

Several of my major goals were ones I embraced wholeheartedly and have not faltered on.  I have had 1 soda in two years, and that was a ginger ale to help settle my stomach when I did not have medicinal options.  I have taken joy in cooking more and more.

I weighed myself today for the first time in a good while.  I did not like what I saw.  I knew what to expect because my clothes are noticeably tighter, and I know I look bigger.

324.2

This is over 40 pounds higher than my lightest. I can accept stalling.  When I changed jobs I immediately stopped losing weight.  At first the adjustment was hard, but lately I have been using it as an excuse.  A new Subway just opened across from my office, so I always had a good food option.

My two biggest issues at the moment are snacking and pacing.  I eat too fast and I do not keep a good enough watch on the intervals between meals.  I end up too hungry and eat too much of the wrong things.  Tracking calories better will solve some of that.  The other issue is snacking.  The one thing I have not been able to kick is my sweet tooth, and the discipline needed to keep it out of the house has been hard, particularly in moments of frustration or when I get a bit depressed.  There is nothing for it but to do better.

I've got more to do than I did, but I know I can if I make the commitment.  Year three starts soon, and I plan to make this the year when my goals become about maintenance.

Sunday Calories

Whoh!

Sunday: 3175

I guess there is nothing to do but improve from that.  Breakfast did me in.  I made one bad choice (that I did not realize was as bad as it was until I looked up the numbers) and that was my entire over budget amount.

Saturday's Calories

2624 - Much closer to where I should be.

Friday's Calories

Not a great numbers day, but I logged it all, and that is a step in the right direction:

Calories: 2904

 about 300 over where I'd like to be, but again, I logged them. Today is a new day.