Halfway through the year. I'd be lying if I were to say I am where I expected I would be. This far into my weight loss in 2010 I had lost 112 pounds, which is an unbelievable number. This time around I have lost just over 30. I weighed in this morning at 385.6. I am still learning not to compare the two. I am on the right track and this time around I feel I am progressing in a much more sustainable way. As energized and successful as I felt last time I can look back on it and see that I was not buying into the lifelong aspect of this journey. So, smaller numbers, but slow and steady wins a race like this.
I planned to pen a post this weekend and I did not, but the points I was pondering then are still applicable (Alliteration over). The past couple weeks in my life I have been pointed to not just the power of choice, but the power of positive choice. It may seem ridiculous, but I feel that one can make the same decision for two different reasons, and because one comes from a positive and one from a negative the results will be vastly different. In my life the last few years I have made many fantastic choices for terrible reasons: I eat healthy because I want to avoid health problems, I want to not be fat, I want to avoid being seen as something I do not want to be, I cannot do this because it will cause bad things to happen. Lately I have been trying to focus on positive choice: I eat healthy because it is a gift to my body, I want to achieve certain physical goals, I want to be seen as a collection of positive attributes, I can chose this because in the long run I will be happier. Until recently I would have said this was "six of one, half dozen of the other". And I would have been wrong.
This is a lesson I was first exposed to by Audrey Francis at school last summer, and continue to be faced with both artistically and personally. Avoidance and negative choice is the surest way to create negative consequence. Rather than working to avoid an undesirable outcome I should chose to work toward something positive. Looking back it is no wonder I got burned out after spending so much time denying, avoiding, and making saying "I can't" several times a day. If each meal becomes an opportunity to treat myself well rather than a pitfall to avoid then the habits I want to form will become much easier to live with, and I can create a personal culture of self-worth. Ultimately I have to accept that I am worth healthy food, strength in my body, and pride in my career. And self worth is something I have to learn. Thank God I have so many opportunities to do something right for myself.