The past couple weeks have been a mental struggle. I want to get back to the mindset that earned me so much success, but I have found it difficult. A huge step in the right direction happened this weekend. I left my job and I will not go back. Between the stress and inconsistent scheduling I could not live a healthy life there. I hate feeling like a quitter, but I feel so strongly about this. I cut out a lot of sweets and snacks this week, and today I did a good amount of cooking and prep work that should get me kick started. I am back over 350, which is not where I want to be. I don't stand to gain much by worrying over my mistakes, though. Today was a good day, and when I string good days together I will see results.
Frustration. Shame. Anger. These are my feelings right now. I have backtracked so far, and I am having so much trouble recommitting to the things that I KNOW work for me. Will power has been a real struggle. Lately I have taken the time to assess where these feelings and issues are coming from. I came up with a few answers, and I am taking action on them. The first issue was a series of personal disappointments that I admit made me feel like I wasn't worth the effort. Not consciously, of course, but somewhere down there. That is a constant struggle, but owning it will absolutely help. The other big issue is my job. There are parts of this job I love, but it is just not a healthy environment. Stress is incredibly high, and stress is my number one trigger for poor eating. The job also demands so much of my energy and thought that I haven't been able to give enough thought to my meals and health. That needs to end. This summer I am taking a leave from work to participate in a program that should help me down my path as an actor. This program is a big deal to me, and it will demand a lot from me, but I never feel like I am working with theater, and I know with the structure of the program I will be able to commit to better choices for myself. It has taken me months to feel ok with this line of reasoning. Part of me still feels as if I am using my job as a crutch or excuse. It doesn't matter. THis feels like the right change for me and I am doing it. I hope that I can recommit to this blog too. It helped me so much over the past few years, and I need to get back to that. Day 1 is today.
Better late than never. I weighed myself Friday, but with several auditions and work I have not had much time to post until now. Not a good week, but I did a lot of celebrating. Superbowl, laser tag party, and rehearsals were some big hurdles this week, and honestly I didn't even try to lead them.
My awareness has been heightened this week. I don't think I have made the best choices, and I need to rekick some bad habits, but I made better choices and gave more thought to my work this week. Here are the numbers
Current Weight: 324.6
Starting Weight: 440.2
Total Weight Loss: 115.6
I have backtracked more than I wanted to admit, but owning that is the first step to doing something about it. Life gives me enough setbacks without making things harder on myself. A good example came today. It is my off day, and a bit too chilly for a long walk outside (or so I thought) so I headed for my building's fitness room. Both treadmills and the elliptical machine had been broken by one or more of my lovely neighbors. When I retrieved the jump rope I bought as a back up I dropped it about 5 minutes in and both handles shattered. Things like this are bound to happen, which reminds me that I have to be as on the ball as I can so that the unexpected does not do more damage than it would otherwise. As I scrounge for the warmest workout wear I can find to at least get in a bit of a walk I think I will be able to take that lesson to heart
Two years ago today I wrote my second ever blog entry here. I was laying the groundwork for what would be the largest undertaking I so far faced in my life. I started with a thank you. The support was overwhelming and immediate, and has continued, so let me reiterate that thank you to all of those who have followed, encouraged, and cajoled me through this journey. It is not over, and that is why I want to recapture the enthusiasm of those first few months.
Several of my major goals were ones I embraced wholeheartedly and have not faltered on. I have had 1 soda in two years, and that was a ginger ale to help settle my stomach when I did not have medicinal options. I have taken joy in cooking more and more.
I weighed myself today for the first time in a good while. I did not like what I saw. I knew what to expect because my clothes are noticeably tighter, and I know I look bigger.
This is over 40 pounds higher than my lightest. I can accept stalling. When I changed jobs I immediately stopped losing weight. At first the adjustment was hard, but lately I have been using it as an excuse. A new Subway just opened across from my office, so I always had a good food option.
My two biggest issues at the moment are snacking and pacing. I eat too fast and I do not keep a good enough watch on the intervals between meals. I end up too hungry and eat too much of the wrong things. Tracking calories better will solve some of that. The other issue is snacking. The one thing I have not been able to kick is my sweet tooth, and the discipline needed to keep it out of the house has been hard, particularly in moments of frustration or when I get a bit depressed. There is nothing for it but to do better.
I've got more to do than I did, but I know I can if I make the commitment. Year three starts soon, and I plan to make this the year when my goals become about maintenance.
I guess there is nothing to do but improve from that. Breakfast did me in. I made one bad choice (that I did not realize was as bad as it was until I looked up the numbers) and that was my entire over budget amount.
Well, clearly I did not do what I said I was going to this past week. That means the goals stay the same until I get it right. I know I did better this week than over the holidays, but better is not good enough right now. I don't want to beat myself up, but not achieving simple goals like this is unacceptable if I want to make progress. I will do better this week.
Well, its been over a month since my last post. I think the frustration, burnout (both from work and this process), and restlessness caught up with me. I needed to behave badly and selfishly for a month or so. And I certainly did. Clothes are bit more snug and the fridge has a conspicuous vacancy in the crisper drawer. I am back, though. And I have decided to take a different tack in the coming weeks. Instead of focusing primarily on weight I will instead set weekly goals. Should I achieve the goals on a week to week basis the weight should follow. I will resume weigh ins on the anniversary post in a couple weeks, but I need to get back into some good habits first. Chicken shit, I know, but whatever gets me back on the horse. I am lucky to have someone who as agreed to help keep me accountable on a personal basis, so that should help too. Happy New Year!