Thursday, April 11, 2013

On The Completion Of Journeys

There are many comparisons one can make for the journey I am on.  A race, a marathon, a quest.  In thinking about why I backtracked and where my frustrations have come from I have realized that none of them are nearly as apt as they seem.  The reason is that this journey never ends.

I have probably said this before, but saying it and appreciating the truth of it from a logical perspective are quite different than actually accepting it.  When I got to a weight I was happy with in 2011 I was really burned out.  Part of that was from outside forces.  Work sucked at that point and my dissatisfaction with the pace of life was at it's zenith. But a lot of it was because I wanted to be done.  I was tired of thinking about calories and weigh ins and writing about my successes and failures.  I felt the "finish line" was near.  So I stopped thinking about it, and I got out of the good habits I had established, and of course I gained the weight back.  My current frustration is because I have done this all before, and last time I had so much excitement and that is just not there anymore.  I suppose this is good practice for the long term relationship I pray to God I am in someday.  In a way, though, these particular frustrations may contribute to a more lasting success.  Novelty isn't really going to play in this time, so there will be no let down when it wears off.  To stretch the previous metaphor a bit: there is no honeymoon, so there will never be a point when the honeymoon is over.

The most positive thing I can say about this perspective on things is that it is harder to come at it from a self loathing place.  As exciting as starting out and losing weight can be it can come from a place of trying to "fix" what is "wrong" with me.  This marathon will never end.  There is no finishing line, so it doesn't matter how quickly I get there.  As frustrated as I am at the moment with my lack of results for the past couple of months since I have been really thinking about this again, I have made progress.  I am tracking my food.  I am making a conscious choice about everything I put in my body.  I have made it infinitely harder to lie to myself about the consequences of this sweet or that snack.  And this is something I will need to do for the rest of my life.  Some people can play it fast and loose, but I never ever will be one of them.  And that should be okay.  I should be deliberate about the choices I make or they're not choices at all.  Permanent success takes a strong foundation, and I am building that right now, regardless of what the scale says.  As I have said in the past: All I can do is make better choices today than I did yesterday.  If I do that, I'm gonna be okay.

1 comment:

  1. You are loved by God and your family and friends and we are behind you one hundred percent. Really, prayer can help! You are strong, smart and talented and YOU CAN DO THIS. LYMTA