Last night after the St. Pat's/Matt Davis' birthday festivities I was in a reflective mood, as those who know me will tell you I am wont to do, and I was thinking back on how I started this journey and where I think I am going. I don't watch Biggest Loser a lot because my schedule doesn't fit that well with the broadcast, but in many of the ones I have seen I hear contestants talk about getting back to where they were before they gained the weight. Last night it hit me that there never has been a "before" for me. I was a chubby kid and by the time I was in middle school I was downright fat. I have never been remotely near an average weight as an adult.
In my life as an actor all of my experience and the roles I have played have been based, at least partially, on my size. Type, particularly physical type, is a major part of an actor's identity. Every audition I have done, every monologue I use, and every choice I have made on stage have been done with my body as a factor. The reason the realizations I had last night hit me as hard as they did is that I don't what my identity is going to be at the end of this process. It also hit me that for that reason I probably have never tried that hard to lose weight. It is a scary prospect, but I suppose my fear of the consequences to my health of living this way finally outweighed my fear of change.
None of these realizations change the fact that the prospect of such a huge change is frightening. At times I worry if I will even know how to act after such a drastic change. That is a ridiculous though, but those are the kinds of niggling doubts that have kept me from making the right choice for my self in the past. The self destructive impulses that feel easy are maybe the single hardest roadblock I put up.
So this post, and the title in particular, are an affirmation of my commitment, both to you, the reader, and myself. As a Trek fan I feel completely comfortable paraphrasing the mission of the Enterprise for my own: I will boldly go where this man has never gone before.