Last night after the St. Pat's/Matt Davis' birthday festivities I was in a reflective mood, as those who know me will tell you I am wont to do, and I was thinking back on how I started this journey and where I think I am going. I don't watch Biggest Loser a lot because my schedule doesn't fit that well with the broadcast, but in many of the ones I have seen I hear contestants talk about getting back to where they were before they gained the weight. Last night it hit me that there never has been a "before" for me. I was a chubby kid and by the time I was in middle school I was downright fat. I have never been remotely near an average weight as an adult.
In my life as an actor all of my experience and the roles I have played have been based, at least partially, on my size. Type, particularly physical type, is a major part of an actor's identity. Every audition I have done, every monologue I use, and every choice I have made on stage have been done with my body as a factor. The reason the realizations I had last night hit me as hard as they did is that I don't what my identity is going to be at the end of this process. It also hit me that for that reason I probably have never tried that hard to lose weight. It is a scary prospect, but I suppose my fear of the consequences to my health of living this way finally outweighed my fear of change.
None of these realizations change the fact that the prospect of such a huge change is frightening. At times I worry if I will even know how to act after such a drastic change. That is a ridiculous though, but those are the kinds of niggling doubts that have kept me from making the right choice for my self in the past. The self destructive impulses that feel easy are maybe the single hardest roadblock I put up.
So this post, and the title in particular, are an affirmation of my commitment, both to you, the reader, and myself. As a Trek fan I feel completely comfortable paraphrasing the mission of the Enterprise for my own: I will boldly go where this man has never gone before.
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Chase: To quote Trek's resident intellect - "Fascinating."
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of going all "DAD" on you, allow me to remind you that we each came here for a reason. There is a purpose to our lives. It isn't a task or an achievement, but a "being" into which we are to live. You aren't here to be an ACTOR - you are an ACTOR to BE who you were sent to be.
You rightly observe that you have an identity - and it is changing. Your EGO (unconscious) will insist you change BACK. It is uncomfortable with the unknown. Your journey, however, is to step INTO the purpose that beckons to you. It calls your spirit by name into a fullness and richness that will supplant the fears.
You show great wisdom in doing this openly. You can borrow faith and courage from those of us who love and respect you JUST as you are - and urge you to become the healthiest, happiest man you can be.
Don't listen to the demons. They know only fear and darkness. No place for a man of light.
Dad
Chase - I so admire your courage and honesty. You inspire me! Love you,
ReplyDeleteRuth
I have realized that I amthe only one who can make me happy. You have put a fire in me to be the beautiful woman I know I can be. I have tried every diet there is to the point of damaging myself to be want to fit into a size 2. I have started a journey of possirive affirmations and working out as much as I can. The trouble for me is the cooking... I am not a very good cook so it is hard to eat well when I commute all day and can't cook anything but your stroganoff. I want to be more like you! I love you very much and couldn't be more proud!
ReplyDeleteChels Mels