Weigh in #37

Current Weight: 299.4 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: 3.6 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 140.8 lbs

Why bury the lead?  This feels incredible.  Mid-week I was really worried about reaching the threshold this week.  I hadn't really lost a thing by Wednesday, but I was looking noticeably thinner.  I got a few comments from cast mates last night about that and I think my body really likes to work in chunks.  I think it took a few days to tighten up skin and tone a little bit and then shed a few pounds.  Who am I to complain?  If I am lighter, and I look thinner, and I feel good, then that is a good week.

Perception

Since about 350 I have been thinking about what it would mean to be under 300 pounds.  It is certainly the first time in my adult life I have been anywhere close.  Yesterday when I weighed myself I was 300.0.  Today I am 299.4.  The measurable, empirical difference is .6 pounds, or about 9.5 ounces.  The difference to the way I see myself, and the way others see me is massive.  Having a "3" be the first number in my weight was an automatic "fat".  Only 7 foot tall basketball players are healthy at 300+ lbs.  For everyone else it really doesn't matter how well you carry it, 300 pounds is obese.  The number has a connotative quality.  With a "2" in front of that number it feels so much different.  My goal weight is in the 2s.  Many people look great and are healthy in the 2s. Looking at it in a cold and calculated way I am only a cheeseburger closer to my goal than I was yesterday, but it really feels as if I turned a corner and can see the goal shimmering in the distance.  I have said before that I really don't know where my weight will end up, but all of the fears I had associated with starting this process have come to nothing.  I worried I would be less marketable, but I am in a show right now and just got called by an artistic director this week to be in another.  I worried I would be less myself, but I haven't changed a bit, I just have more energy to pursue the things I want.  I really worried that my self esteem would become tied to my weight, but I realized recently that that is how I was before, and now I have control.  I have finally been able to say, and pardon my language, fuck it to all of the niggling little mind games that I played with myself and the big rewards are starting to come.  Pardon me if I sound a bit full of myself, but I feel allowed today.  It is an exciting time to be me.