There used to be a lot of joy in this process, but lately that has not been the case. When I committed to this journey I knew rationally that the only things that would change would be my weight and my appearance. Neither of these is insignificant, but losing weight and getting healthier are not some magic bullet that will get me all of my hopes and dreams in life. I don't know where along the way this happened, but I must have at some point invested this journey with much more responsibility than it ever had any right to carry, because I am incredibly unsatisfied. I take no pleasure in the sheer fact that I am thinner. I refuse to judge myself by my weight. Don't get me wrong, I have an objective sense of accomplishment over how far I have come, but some of my friends talk about how proud they are or how proud I should be and that is simply not how I feel. I understand that impulse, but for me it is like I got the right answer on a test. It is what I should do. How much pride is there to take in substituting stupid self-destructive behavior with what I should have been doing in the first place.
So I am in a funk. I have been trying to rationalize myself out of it for four months and it is just not happening. Part if it is that I haven't had a show for a while and my job, though more interesting than my old day job, is fairly unfulfilling. I have felt at times that my whole life has revolved around this journey, and knowing the level of energy it takes to make the kind of progress I have it is understandable, but I hate it. I hate feeling obsessed by my weight, like every choice I make revolves around Friday morning weigh ins. I have retaliated by having weeks like this one. I just didn't feel like it this week. It is not something I am particularly proud of, but I need to own it. I am terrified of being the kind of person that bases all of my self-worth on the number I see on the scale, so to prove I don't think that way I don't make any progress. Because that's rational. Here are the numbers:
Current Weight: 281 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -1 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 4.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 159.2 lbs
This whole post is not some fishing trip for sympathy or comments. It helps to put some of it down so I can process. Sorry for the pity party, but hopefully I can work through what I am feeling a bit better this way. I want to be happy and not satisfied, and not because I am thinner, but because I am respecting myself more. I just have to figure out how to accept that for what it is and not judge it.