There used to be a lot of joy in this process, but lately that has not been the case. When I committed to this journey I knew rationally that the only things that would change would be my weight and my appearance. Neither of these is insignificant, but losing weight and getting healthier are not some magic bullet that will get me all of my hopes and dreams in life. I don't know where along the way this happened, but I must have at some point invested this journey with much more responsibility than it ever had any right to carry, because I am incredibly unsatisfied. I take no pleasure in the sheer fact that I am thinner. I refuse to judge myself by my weight. Don't get me wrong, I have an objective sense of accomplishment over how far I have come, but some of my friends talk about how proud they are or how proud I should be and that is simply not how I feel. I understand that impulse, but for me it is like I got the right answer on a test. It is what I should do. How much pride is there to take in substituting stupid self-destructive behavior with what I should have been doing in the first place.
So I am in a funk. I have been trying to rationalize myself out of it for four months and it is just not happening. Part if it is that I haven't had a show for a while and my job, though more interesting than my old day job, is fairly unfulfilling. I have felt at times that my whole life has revolved around this journey, and knowing the level of energy it takes to make the kind of progress I have it is understandable, but I hate it. I hate feeling obsessed by my weight, like every choice I make revolves around Friday morning weigh ins. I have retaliated by having weeks like this one. I just didn't feel like it this week. It is not something I am particularly proud of, but I need to own it. I am terrified of being the kind of person that bases all of my self-worth on the number I see on the scale, so to prove I don't think that way I don't make any progress. Because that's rational. Here are the numbers:
Current Weight: 281 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -1 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 4.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 159.2 lbs
This whole post is not some fishing trip for sympathy or comments. It helps to put some of it down so I can process. Sorry for the pity party, but hopefully I can work through what I am feeling a bit better this way. I want to be happy and not satisfied, and not because I am thinner, but because I am respecting myself more. I just have to figure out how to accept that for what it is and not judge it.
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It might be time for the focus to shift away from the scale number. Your physical life is only one part of who you are but it is an inextricable part. It's obvious that you experience cooking on an aesthetic level. You also understand your body and health in a way that you didn't before you started this journey. Can you find a physical activity that you experience aesthetically? A way for you to express and move within your new body. Something that you do, not because it is exercise, or becasue it is "fun, but because, to you, it is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou're right to think that your appearance and the number on the scale are trivial, because they are. You and your body are so much more than that.
Chase,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. It's not a pity party; it's just how you're feeling. But I think maybe you've answered your own question when you said you hate that everything revolves around Friday weigh-ins. There comes a point where you need balance. You have thrown yourself into this process and got the jumpstart you need. I'm no personal trainer or psychologist but when something becomes a chore and not a pleasure, I think there's risk of fighting against it and doing the opposite. Maybe it's time to let go of the overwhelming responsibility of this endeavor for a month or two and start again with an exciting update. Just a thought.
It sounds to me like there are a lot of factors building up to this post. The weigh-ins might be part of it, and not being at your 'goal' might be part of it; but you also mentioned not being creatively stimulated, and TIRED of day jobs. It sounds like a case of the twenty-somethings to me. Read back on your old posts--you WERE proud, you DID feel happy with yourself for taking this journey. You truly DON'T want to go back to the way things were. It's constantly a journey--we're all trying to be 'better,' whatever that means. It's different for everyone. This weight loss was one factor, but the 'actor' part of this blog is another one. And when you were positive about this journey, you DID achieve some actor goals as well. It's tough love, but you have to keep your optimistic point of view. That being said, allow yourself a week off or so. If you weren't focusing on the food and you gained only a POUND, that's a success in itself. You didn't gain all 100 pounds back in a week, you didn't even gain 5. Remember how easy it was to gain 5 pounds before, and be proud that you gained only one.
ReplyDeleteHi, sweetie, Just now read the above two posts. Perhaps the word Proud should be replaced with Pleased. For what it is worth, the word Proud has both positive and negative connotations. Pleased is only positive. Then again, why not allow yourself to realize that the weight is simply the result of decisions and actions and attitudes about which you can be Proud (positive) or Pleased. As mentioned in the above comments, it must be the journey that makes the goal continue its appeal. Plan to do something "different" or interesting or get involved in something that will further one or another of your goals other than what you are now doing. Find new ways to make your days more adventurous. It is said, we will make the time for what we want. We are Proud (positive) and pleased to know you are our grandson. LYMTA
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