Weigh in 2:11

I think I have come to a point I knew I would reach at some point, but was hoping would come later rather than sooner.  I don't think diet with a minimum of exercise is going to cut it anymore.  My diet hasn't been bad lately, though there are better choices to be made always.  I am just not losing weight, and I am not happy with where I am right now as a finishing point.  I did get 3 walks in and some weight work this week, and the results on my appearance are not insignificant.  Some folks who I see on a semi-regular basis have told me I appear to be thinner, and the way my clothes have been fitting do indicate I have been toning up.  That is more my goal right now, so the time has come to really buckle down in the gym.  Walks probably aren't going to cut it anymore either.  The elliptical, treadmill, and weight tower in my building will certainly help, but some lakefront jogs will probably be good too.  I still find running and jogging to be kind of painful in the knees, though.  Perhaps I need to build up some endurance, or perhaps my joints just took too much of a beating from being so large my whole life that running may not be the best option.  Here are this week's numbers and you'll see where some of the frustration has come from:

Current Weight: 284 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -2 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: 1.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 156.2 lbs

Motivation

I think part of the issue lately has been second guessing my my motives.  I have spoken before about my restlessness with the progress of certain portions of my life.  I know it is normal at this point to have these things, but that restlessness has gotten combined with this journey and I haven't always liked where my thoughts have turned.  "I won't get such-and-such if I don't lose more weight," or "I'm being held back by my size"  both have elements of truth to them, but are too close to attaching my self-worth to my size, which I have struggled with and I hate doing.  I know that the people I want in my life see me for who I am and not for the number on the scale, and those that place too much emphasis on that are not the kind of people I want in my life, but I think any of you reading this can understand where I am coming from.  As much as I try some times I cannot rationalize away my feelings, whether those feelings are irrational or not.  With all of that having been said I sense a bit of self sabotage going on.  I am surprised by how much of my motivation comes from feeling like I am doing this for the right reasons, and when I feel like I am not how fast I get off track.  Am I just kvetching?  Maybe, but I think it is a big part of my journey right now.