Friday, April 29, 2011

Weigh in 2:14

Current Weight: 287.4 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -5 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: -2.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 152.8 lbs

Anger and frustration.  That is the only way to describe my feelings after this week.  I am going to be honest about this week's entry and let you know right now this one is for me.  I am going to be hard on myself and just know that I know I can take it.  Looking back I find it hard to see where I slipped up so badly.  But that is the thing about this process.  The very littlest things add up.  A beer here, a cocktail there, miss a meal, double up later, overeat on snacks, go to town on some Easter candy.  10 seconds can push me back a week.  Work has been incredibly busy trying to get all of our May 1st clients taken care of and I have not been planning and working with my diet the way I should.  I was working on a staged reading this week, so I gave up the time when I had been working out, so I only got 1 workout in this week.  So, there are the excuses, now on to the stuff that actually matters.

I wasn't as careful with my diet even on my off days because of the holiday and spending time with friends.  By yesterday I knew this weigh in would be disappointing, and I found myself in a "why me?" kind of mood.  That made me angry because I hate thinking that way.  I don't think I am being lazy, but I do think that I am fatigued of this process and ready to be done with it.  I am burned out.  I am fine doing the things that keep me where I am, and for the past 20 or so weeks I have been within about a 12 pound range.  It is the effort of breaking the plateau that I haven't committed to.  Every time I think I am about to make some strides I fall back.  The funny thing about self sabotage is that it is very easy to convince yourself you aren't doing it.  But I know.  I get to a point where I am about to make a big stride forward and then say to myself "I'm doing OK now, I can get away with _____".  And of course I can't. I cant make a pint of guacamole and not eat it.  I can't keep Cadbury eggs in the house, period.  After I do those things I feel dumb and out of control.  "You know better" I tell myself, and then I have a snack because in my disappointment I suddenly feel hungry.

I didn't know that quarter life crises existed, as a term, until this week, but I am reasonably sure I have hit mine.  With all of the changes I have affected in my life in the past 2 years I have probably been in mine for a while, just in a very structured and rational way, which should surprise no one who knows me even passingly well.  I am not an impatient fellow by nature, but lately I have been trying to find the balance between my impatience and my motivation.  How much can I reasonably do to get the things I want for my life in as short a time as possible?  And because I am not afraid to look at my self from a third party perspective I see how much I have to do.  And that is a paralyzing thing.  I may be back to the kind of holding pattern I had before I started getting healthy.  I shouldn't be there.  The problems are so much smaller now.  I know intuitively that I cannot rationalize myself to action.  I just need to act.  Suggestions are welcome.  Kick-starters, support, admonishments, and commiserations would all help too.  have you ever found yourself in this kind of rut?  What did you do, if anything, to drag yourself out?  I think it is time for another couple weeks of hyper-accountability.  Daily postings of calories and exercise totals.  And I am not putting an end line on this time. I am going to do it until it sticks.


  1. With a process as long as this one, setbacks are inevitable. And Burnout is going to happen too.

    There is value to be found in the setbacks. But find those lessons, decide on a way to put them to use, and set the rest of that experience down and move on. There is an old saying that I believe goes something like this: "We must be careful to take what there is to be learned from an experience, and nothing more. Lest we become like the cat that sits on a hot stove. That cat will never sit on a hot stove again, but he'll never sit on a cold one either."

    You already know your weak spots and your tendencies. Find a way to safeguard against those. When I first started running, I caught myself slowing to a walk near the end of a few tough runs. I told myself that I was "close enough", when I knew in my heart that I had set out that day to run a specific distance, and I was choosing to give up on that distance. So I created Finish Lines in all directions from my apartment. Now, no matter how long or short the run, I don't stop until I touch the Finish Lines. Find the rules that you need for yourself, and follow them. But the guilt and the self-pity can't do anything for you. Drop them.

    As for the burnout, I don't know of a magic formula that will work for everybody in every situation. But for me, when I'm training for a race and I feel myself getting burned out, I set aside the calculations of speed and distance, and I just run. I try to find streets that I've never run down before, and I take off and just go at whatever pace feels natural and I run for as long as I feel like it like. It helps me remember that I do this because I love it.

    I don't know what that will be for you. But it might start by asking yourself why you started this journey for a healthy you in the first place? Maybe the scale goes in the closet for a couple weeks? Maybe find some new recipes that you can recognize as healthy, but don't bother counting the calories? Just enjoy creating and eating some good meals. Go for long walks without worrying about how far.

    It sounds like the demands on your time might make some of that difficult. But that fact that you've made it as far as you have with this process, shows that it means a lot to you. So find a way to make it work.

    I have no doubt that you will.

  2. All I can say is that I am so incredibly proud of you. Really. I can't believe how far you've come in such a short time. Something that has applied to several situations in my life when I'm trying to make a change is to think about how long I had that habit before I made a change and how long has it been since I made the change. You had 25 years of thinking and behaving one way. You've been on a different path for about a year. Give yourself a chance to have some relaspses. If 95% of your body is telling you one thing and 5% says another and you follow that 5% almost 95% of the time that's pretty freakin' amazing. I hope you know that you are a success. I think you do get that and I think you do have a good attitude about your weight loss so I'm not worried for you. I just wanted to tell you that I really am proud.