Current Weight: 287.4 lbs
Starting Weight: 440.2 lbs
Weight Loss This Week: -5 lbs
Weight Loss in Year 2: -2.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 152.8 lbs
Anger and frustration. That is the only way to describe my feelings after this week. I am going to be honest about this week's entry and let you know right now this one is for me. I am going to be hard on myself and just know that I know I can take it. Looking back I find it hard to see where I slipped up so badly. But that is the thing about this process. The very littlest things add up. A beer here, a cocktail there, miss a meal, double up later, overeat on snacks, go to town on some Easter candy. 10 seconds can push me back a week. Work has been incredibly busy trying to get all of our May 1st clients taken care of and I have not been planning and working with my diet the way I should. I was working on a staged reading this week, so I gave up the time when I had been working out, so I only got 1 workout in this week. So, there are the excuses, now on to the stuff that actually matters.
I wasn't as careful with my diet even on my off days because of the holiday and spending time with friends. By yesterday I knew this weigh in would be disappointing, and I found myself in a "why me?" kind of mood. That made me angry because I hate thinking that way. I don't think I am being lazy, but I do think that I am fatigued of this process and ready to be done with it. I am burned out. I am fine doing the things that keep me where I am, and for the past 20 or so weeks I have been within about a 12 pound range. It is the effort of breaking the plateau that I haven't committed to. Every time I think I am about to make some strides I fall back. The funny thing about self sabotage is that it is very easy to convince yourself you aren't doing it. But I know. I get to a point where I am about to make a big stride forward and then say to myself "I'm doing OK now, I can get away with _____". And of course I can't. I cant make a pint of guacamole and not eat it. I can't keep Cadbury eggs in the house, period. After I do those things I feel dumb and out of control. "You know better" I tell myself, and then I have a snack because in my disappointment I suddenly feel hungry.
I didn't know that quarter life crises existed, as a term, until this week, but I am reasonably sure I have hit mine. With all of the changes I have affected in my life in the past 2 years I have probably been in mine for a while, just in a very structured and rational way, which should surprise no one who knows me even passingly well. I am not an impatient fellow by nature, but lately I have been trying to find the balance between my impatience and my motivation. How much can I reasonably do to get the things I want for my life in as short a time as possible? And because I am not afraid to look at my self from a third party perspective I see how much I have to do. And that is a paralyzing thing. I may be back to the kind of holding pattern I had before I started getting healthy. I shouldn't be there. The problems are so much smaller now. I know intuitively that I cannot rationalize myself to action. I just need to act. Suggestions are welcome. Kick-starters, support, admonishments, and commiserations would all help too. have you ever found yourself in this kind of rut? What did you do, if anything, to drag yourself out? I think it is time for another couple weeks of hyper-accountability. Daily postings of calories and exercise totals. And I am not putting an end line on this time. I am going to do it until it sticks.