Weigh In 4:5

Let me start by formally moving weigh in day to Wednesdays.  I work at least one weekend day and Monday and Tuesday, so between that and the fact that weekends tend to be the times I hang out with friends Monday was not the best day for me.  I had pretty darn good results this week.  I am at 399.4, which is just over 4 pounds less than last week.

I had a huge wakeup call this week that has certainly added some impetus to my journey.  It started Saturday.  I visited a friend's house out in the suburbs for poker night and was helping out in the kitchen when I had an accident with a kitchen knife.  I was chopping too fast with an unfamiliar knife on a plastic board and my finger slipped under the knife.  It was a pretty bad cut, but I was able to get it closed up with some super glue.  On Monday I decided to have a doctor look at it just to be sure, and while the cut was fine my blood pressure was not.  It was 180/121, which if you know anything about blood pressure is dangerously high.  Have a stroke any second high.  I have always have somewhat elevated blood pressure.  Before I ever smoked, before anything else it was a bit worrisome but doctors always told me to wait and see. That is clearly no longer an option.  This is the first really big and scary secondary problem from my weight and lifestyle, although there is likely some element of genetics about this, so even when I get to my goal range this very likely could still be an issue.  So now I am on a long term prescription to help control it and I will need to follow up to see how it is working in a few weeks.

In terms of my diet I need to be as vigilant as ever.  Sodium is a huge issue, so my old standby quick meal, Lean Pockets, is probably out now.  Any processed or restaurant food I need to be careful of.  At home I was already cooking with a mixture of a potassium chloride salt substitute and kosher salt, which is easier to use moderately, so I will keep that up.  Soups can be troublesome, so I can only do homemade from now on, or Campbell's heart healthy soups, which are really good and low sodium (comparatively).  The doctor also recommended abstaining from alcohol for the foreseeable future, which kinda sucks.  Not that I drink all that frequently, but I really like good beer, and a bourbon at the end of a crappy day can be really nice.  Oh well.  Nothing is permanent.

Monday coming home from the doctor I was really angry.  About the situation, at myself, at pretty much everything.  Then I turned on the TV and saw what had happened in Boston.  There's some perspective for you.  I've truly got minor problems compared to so many, so I'm going to try to swallow my anger and get to work on fixing this.  This week was a good step.

On The Completion Of Journeys

There are many comparisons one can make for the journey I am on.  A race, a marathon, a quest.  In thinking about why I backtracked and where my frustrations have come from I have realized that none of them are nearly as apt as they seem.  The reason is that this journey never ends.

I have probably said this before, but saying it and appreciating the truth of it from a logical perspective are quite different than actually accepting it.  When I got to a weight I was happy with in 2011 I was really burned out.  Part of that was from outside forces.  Work sucked at that point and my dissatisfaction with the pace of life was at it's zenith. But a lot of it was because I wanted to be done.  I was tired of thinking about calories and weigh ins and writing about my successes and failures.  I felt the "finish line" was near.  So I stopped thinking about it, and I got out of the good habits I had established, and of course I gained the weight back.  My current frustration is because I have done this all before, and last time I had so much excitement and that is just not there anymore.  I suppose this is good practice for the long term relationship I pray to God I am in someday.  In a way, though, these particular frustrations may contribute to a more lasting success.  Novelty isn't really going to play in this time, so there will be no let down when it wears off.  To stretch the previous metaphor a bit: there is no honeymoon, so there will never be a point when the honeymoon is over.

The most positive thing I can say about this perspective on things is that it is harder to come at it from a self loathing place.  As exciting as starting out and losing weight can be it can come from a place of trying to "fix" what is "wrong" with me.  This marathon will never end.  There is no finishing line, so it doesn't matter how quickly I get there.  As frustrated as I am at the moment with my lack of results for the past couple of months since I have been really thinking about this again, I have made progress.  I am tracking my food.  I am making a conscious choice about everything I put in my body.  I have made it infinitely harder to lie to myself about the consequences of this sweet or that snack.  And this is something I will need to do for the rest of my life.  Some people can play it fast and loose, but I never ever will be one of them.  And that should be okay.  I should be deliberate about the choices I make or they're not choices at all.  Permanent success takes a strong foundation, and I am building that right now, regardless of what the scale says.  As I have said in the past: All I can do is make better choices today than I did yesterday.  If I do that, I'm gonna be okay.

Weigh In 4:4

Another weight gain.  Small, but I am going in the wrong direction.  I find that frustrating this week especially because I felt I had a pretty good week, and my points back me up.  I have had some big schedule changes, so maybe I can chalk it up to that, but all of these"reasons" for my lack of success are starting to feel like excuses, so I need to do better.  I am at 403.6 and if I am going to get to 375 by month's end I need to get on the stick.

Finding Support

This morning I read a pretty good article about emotional eating.  One of the symptoms the author highlighted was lying about what you eat for no reason.  I am unreasonably embarrassed by what I eat sometimes, and conversely I play up my healthier choices when they happen to perpetuate an illusion about my eating habits that makes me feel better about myself.  Logging my food of course helps with this, but compulsively lying about my eating really does indicate an unhealthy relationship with food.  Committing to this blog and to complete honesty here is really hard for me, but it will not be helpful to me unless I can do it.  There are certain things I just cannot be around.  I can't be around sweets right now.  I am incapable of control.  I came home from work super hungry last night and it took every bit of willpower not to just buy a frozen pizza.  If I could be moderate with it it wouldn't be so bad, but I would eat the whole thing.  I can't do that.  This part of my journey feels a lot harder this time.

This same article put a spotlight on an unfortunate truth about weight loss writing and products in America:  They are, almost without exception, all marketed to women.  This is lamentable for a couple of reasons.  Firstly it indicates the problem with the collective body images of women in this country.  That is not to say that those women have a problem, it is a societal issue.  Many women who are perfectly healthy and beautiful (curves are a good thing, ladies) are trying to achieve the near impossible.  And it is impossible for a reason.  I ran across a couple of internet articles debating the benefits of whether women's thighs should touch or not.  It was disgusting and had nothing to do with helping us be healthier.  But there certainly are plenty of people out there trying to make a buck off of this obsession.  It makes it so much harder for us to accept ourselves, which I have found time and time again is the key to making any sort of positive change in my life.  I imagine it is the same for everyone. When I came to terms with the fact I would never be skinny, but I could be healthy; that I didn't really want to be a stick, and that my self worth wasn't tied to my waist line I had a lot more success.

The second issue with the heavy focus on women in diet and weight loss marketing is the effect on men who need help.  It sends the tacit message that as a man this is not even a problem you are supposed to have.  Suck it up, get in the gym, and be a man.  Guys don't have enough emotional life to emotionally eat.  I am with weight watchers now and they have created a new portal "Weight Watchers for Men" to fight this, I suppose.  I don't imagine it is much different from the ladies' version, if at all.  It just serves to remind guys that they can use it too. Part of me feels dumb for even being mad about this.  I will say that among my friends I have tons of support and have gotten very little judgment.  I have a personal community that is fantastic.  But it would be nice to have a place to read what other gents have to say about their struggles.  I'd love to see some guy-centric writing about our unique struggles with health and diet.  Somehow it seems to be more ok for there to be a defined idea about what a guy's body is supposed to be.  Women get hit over the head with it a lot more, I will not deny, but there is plenty of pushback too.  We generally understand that it is not OK to fat shame ladies.  I would argue it is not so (or less so) for guys.  So here is my pushback.  My goal is to be the best version of me I can be.  Big arms and a six pack are not important to me and will say nothing about who I am or how much success I will eventually achieve.

Weigh in 4:3

Backtrack.  I am guessing it has something to do with weighing in completely dehydrated last week and  being generally healthy this week.  I gained back about a a pound and a half, which is, coincidentally about the amount of water I drink in a day.  Slow but steady is frustrating, but the right way to do things.  8 pounds of weight loss in about 6 or 7 weeks is not too bad.  My goal this week is to have my first super week.  5 pounds plus.  Who knows if it is realistic?  I really want to be under 400 again, and I want to get to 375 by month's end.  The first goal is easy and I should probably get there this week.  The second will take some doing, but if I do the kinds of things I know how to do it should be doable.  I've lost over 30 pounds in a month before, so 25 is realistic if ambitious.  Here's to another week.

Unintended Reset

One of the benefits of my brief but severe illness has been that it gave me a bit of a natural reset on my diet. I had a whole day where I didn't eat, and as I have added food back in I have had to keep things pretty simple. I also get full just a bit easier so my portions have been better. That is not to say I have been perfect. I had a sever sugar craving midweek and went to town on some ice cream, but for the most part I've had a pretty solid week. I have also taken a few steps that i feel will have a beneficial effect. Not having enough to do is really bad for me. Boredom and loneliness often end up manifesting as eating and more eating. When I had so much initial success I was working a pretty low stress job with a manageable and predictable schedule. Well I am headed back to the same job now (though part time). I think the structure and the fact that there are half a dozen really solid food options within 5 minutes are going to be big positives for me. It will guarantee me a bit of walking time on workdays, and there should be enough down time for me to really cook on a regular basis, and take some classes and make forward progress with my acting. I am pretty blessed to have a really solid financial backstop, so I do not necessarily need the job for the financial aspect, although money is helpful. I just think having a routine is going to be a good step forward.

Weigh In 4:2

It has been an interesting few days. Friday and Saturday were not great. March madness, hanging out with friends, and generally being a human being put me behind the 8 ball. Then came yesterday. I woke up really early and feeling not great. Somehow I had picked up a really aggressive stomach bug. The downsides should be obvious. Without getting too graphic let me just say I'm glad my toilet and tub are close enough together to use simultaneously. There was an upside, though, which was it was a fairly effective reset button for my weight loss. I couldn't keep down water, let alone food, so I didn't use any of my points yesterday, and I got a pretty wicked core workout. All of that added up to me losing almost 4 pounds this weigh in. I figure about half of that is from the bug, but if I am smart I can use an unfortunate situation to my advantage. There is no reason I have to put that weight back on. I am not back to 100%, so it is probably going to be a soup and saltines kind of day. This seems like the perfect time to start building some new habits, so let's see how things go moving forward.

Commitment Issues

It is amazing how easily the excuses can pile up. This past week I skipped my weigh in on purpose. St. Patrick's weekend is, I would imagine, universally bad for weight loss. Add to that my friend's birthday that weekend as well and I just didn't feel a weigh in Monday would be representative of where I actually was. This week has been a bit up and down. Yesterday was a bad day. Self control has been a struggle. OU's basketball team's tournament game was last night so we I hung out with friends. A few beers and brownies later I had shot my weekly budget to hell. It isn't too bad, and I had a couple days 5-10 points below budget, so I am probably on track, but I wanted to kickstart things this week. If I lose weight at all it will be a minor amount. I suppose that gives me something to shoot for next week.

Having something to look forward to is a huge part of what I need to motivate myself. I haven't had much to do lately and that makes it way to easy for me to eat my boredom or depression. It sucks not having a goal each day, and there is only so much I can do to create busy work for myself. There are only so many job interviews or auditions out there, and there are days I have nothing. This coming week I have an audition for Steppenwolf's First Look series, and this is a big deal for me. Something like this can really help get me out of a funk, and I can already feel the difference. I need to capture this little bit of momentum and make it work for me. Weigh in will be on Monday, and we shall see how the last 2 weeks have gone.